Reframing self-care: New Chicago business looks beyond scented candles and massages to help clients find joy - Chicago Tribune

[Alison Bowen]

Liz Coffey remembers when she realized burnout at work was affecting her life to the point where it took over a holiday.

Her aha moment was on Thanksgiving in 2020, when she found herself sitting with her husband in their West Town home eating takeout and complaining about work.

Coffey realized she needed a break, but she also knew a scented candle wasn’t going to cut it.

“As women, we’ve been told to just put a face mask on it when we’re feeling stressed,” said Coffey, 39, a Chicago entrepreneur whose Thanksgiving experience led her to start her company, On Leave Experiences, which pairs clients with excursions intended to help them broaden their horizons by wandering, creating and learning.

The conversation around self-care has changed in recent years. A bath can help, but if you can’t muster the energy to find enjoyment in life, that can indicate a larger issue. Many people are thinking anew about what self-care means and how they can more broadly find contentment or joy in daily life.

In the bestseller “Real Self-Care: Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble-Baths Not Included,” author Pooja Lakshmin talks about self-care methods versus principles. For example, a yoga class can be part of a larger goal to practice self-compassion, but it’s just a Band-Aid if it becomes something you feel bad you don’t attend every week.

“We live in a capitalist society that we know is entrenched with racism and misogyny and ableism,” she said, “where the highest form of value is productivity.”

Even Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy wrote in a recent New York Times op-ed that parents are burned out to the point of needing federal solutions to help with the related stress and mental health concerns.

Lakshmin agreed. “To take rest makes us feel like we are a failure,” she said. “You can’t meditate your way out of a 40-hour workweek with no child care.”

After her Thanksgiving realization, Coffey said, she began working with a professional coach, who initially suggested prioritizing self-care. Coffey booked a massage.

“I felt like I would lay on that table, and I would be answering emails in my head,” she said.

Liz Coffey looks over tchotchkes at The Brewed Coffee Shop in the Avondale neighborhood as she scouts locations for her self-care business, On Leave Experiences, on Sep. 12, 2024, in Chicago. (E. Jason Wambsgans/Chicago Tribune)

So instead, she began focusing on what brought her joy, and while working with her coach, she kept coming back to the idea of trips she had taken with her friends — moments where she felt unplugged from her phone, talking to people and learning new things.

In 2023, she took a solo trip to Birmingham, Alabama, and ended up having a nightlong discussion with another woman who was also solo and who had recently separated.

“We had the most amazing conversation,” Coffey said. “The goal of that conversation was not to become best friends from it, but just to have a conversation, make a connection with a human.”

On the flight home, she thought, “I feel alive.” She recalled that “it was such a juxtaposition from getting off a massage table.”

Coffey started her company this year after leaving her job in supply chain communications and taking a life-coaching course.

On Leave Experiences offers something different from trips like bachelorette parties or college roommate reunions. Coffey is clear that while those trips are great, she believes self-discovery can be prompted by wandering in new cities and towns or finding a new path in a place where someone already lives.

Liz Coffey stops to chat with Sarah Jamison, owner of Firefly Fiber Arts Studio in the Avondale neighborhood, as she scouts locations for her clients on Sep. 12, 2024. (E. Jason Wambsgans/Chicago Tribune)

Theresa Chu, 43, a communications consultant, found On Leave Experiences after what she described as a “cycle of burnout.”

“I think part of why I’ve struggled with defining what self-care means to me is because a lot of what is presented to women is this idea that self-care is limited to getting your nails done or hanging with the girls,” she said in an email. “I’m not a spa person. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends. So what does that leave me with?”

Her self-care day began in the Pilsen neighborhood at the National Museum of Mexican Art and included a private floral arrangement lesson at Zin’s Flower Shop. But the wandering and eating on 18th Street was Chu’s favorite part.

She tends not to be “someone who just roams to roam,” she said. But now, she’s noticing more art and things around her in her daily life.

Coffey shares what she learned from her own experience: Bring a book to a solo dinner because it is great company and a conversation-starter. In fact, a book is what inspired her conversation with the Alabama woman.

With a coaching lens, Coffey creates intentional itineraries, like the bouquet-making experience that helped Chu create a connection with another person. For weekend trips, Coffey offers questions to consider. For example, for a client going on an excursion this month that kicks off with a bike ride, she asked the client to consider: “Is it easy or hard to not be in constant touch with your phone while biking? What makes it that way?”

Liz Coffey, right, learns to pin a specimen from Nina Salem, founder of the The Insect Asylum in the Avondale neighborhood, as she scouts locations for clients on Sep. 12, 2024. (E. Jason Wambsgans/Chicago Tribune)

Women have to be convinced to not feel guilty about carving out time for themselves, Coffey said. They may feel they can’t leave their family, or they already travel enough. But there’s something “magic,” she says, about this type of self-focused travel, whether it’s a day trip in your own city or a Thursday night flight with a Sunday return.

Coffey said wandering or traveling solo can be helpful because it cultivates mindfulness — looking around you, instead of at your phone. Noticing small details like how the leaves sway or a cloud floats can help a person feel more calm and centered.

An On Leave weekend is a two- to four-day itinerary; it can include, for example, cocktails in New Orleans or a writing workshop in Los Angeles.

To help facilitate this, the company has a process to assess what the client needs. Fees start at $129 for a Day of You and $599 for a signature On Leave weekend. The company books hotels, experiences and meal reservations, although Coffey recommends that clients book their own flights.

Robin Tillotson of the Chatham neighborhood also knows women who need to hear that they can take time for themselves. While working a separate job, Tillotson started the company This I Do For Me, which is named after a phrase her mother would use while making time to focus on herself.

Tillotson, who then retired from her previous job, said her image of self-care continues to evolve.

Robin Tillotson, who owns a travel company called This I Do For Me, runs an online orientation for a client who signed up for a trip to Ghana, Aug. 12, 2021. (Chris Sweda/Chicago Tribune)

“A big part of self-care, for me, particularly in these last two years since I’ve been retired, emanates from being more conscious about how I am moving in the world and how conscious I am as I am doing it,” she said.

Having time to slow down, she said, revealed how often she was just “on the wheel” of life: “You’re engaged on all the stuff, but sometimes you’re not fully conscious, you’re not enjoying it in many ways,” she said. “You’re just on the grind.”

Her company’s trips are geared toward women age 50 and older, people who she says spent a lifetime caring for others and now are newly focused on themselves. They travel internationally, with a big group coordinated by Tillotson, who seeks out experiences like making lanterns and attending theater.

During the trips, clients will often have wonderful conversations. The goal isn’t making new best friends for life. “It’s just that you spent a great day with a new person,” she said.

Alison Bowen is a freelancer.